Dilshad 0:00

Welcome to the Delicious Dignity Podcast. Let's settle in securely and ever so nicely into the brilliance of our own dignity. Hello, my friends. Today is a very interesting episode. It's a very tender topic. I've been single since 2017. And I haven't dated anybody for longer than two weeks since that time. And this episode is going to be about what it is like to go your own way, especially if your way deviates a lot or a little bit from what society deems to be normal. And so even if you're not single, maybe there are other things in your life that you've chosen that are different from what is expected of you, shall we say. And so, yeah, as I'm writing the script for the episode, I am in a coffee shop in downtown Denver. It's called Vibe Coffee and it's this beautiful, gorgeous, huge place with very comfortable seating. And I'm sitting on this beautiful couch and I'm just looking outside and what I see, it's really cute because I see this couple zooming by on one of those electronic scooters. The guy is driving and the girl is hugging him from behind and both of them are smiling big. It's very, very cute. Like her head is buried in his back and she's enjoying the ride. And so is he. It's very sweet. And I feel like that was a sign to bless this episode. So yeah, like I said, I've been single since 2017. And I have a couple of reflections on going your own way and the dignity of going your own way. And I can't really call these life lessons. I don't believe in life lessons. And maybe I'll talk about that in another episode. I think using the word life lessons is so disrespectful and dehumanizing, but that's another episode. So here are some reflections that I have. And before I start, I just want to say that for a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. I saw Instagram posts telling me that it's because I have avoidant tendency or because I have childhood issues or because I have abandonment moons or commitment issues or I'm not feminine enough. You know, all kinds of psychology or psychobabble boltered that I've heard about something being not quite right with me. And that is why I couldn't find a man or I'm not in a relationship for this long. then friends would give me well-meaning advice. And that advice was all about what I could do better, what I could do differently. Basically, there's a lot of psychology out there that I or even you could use to tell yourself that there's something wrong with you and that's why you deviate from the norm. And honestly, if I just think about it, that's partly one of the reasons that I think that there's something wrong with psychology or even self-development in general. It's that they never address the way society or the systems have been set up. They always put all this responsibility on the individual as though somehow this individual is outside of their environment and not a product of it, or that this individual is not shaped and molded by a certain environment. And they put all this onus on the individual. Again, that might be another episode. But my point is, is that I can see all of this happening, right? I can see how we all have this messaging thrown at us. And I can pay attention to that, which I did for a long time, or I can just accept the dignity of my truth or our truth. And my truth specifically is that I just don't want what I'm currently being offered. And I cannot make myself want it either. So I personally have not seen a lot of couples that I like the relationship that they have. And it's kind of like, let me just put it to you this way. Imagine that you sit down for tea at my house, okay? You're in my home and I sit you down and I offer you some tea. And I say, here, take some tea. But you're not in the mood for tea. And you don't really, maybe you don't even like tea. But I say, hey, this is the only tea available. And you say, okay, cool. I don't really want it. And then I say, but this is just how tea is. And you say, but that's fine, but I don't want it. And I'm like, tea will always be tea. Don't you want some tea? And you're like, no, I don't want the tea. And then I say, oh, but if you don't drink tea now, you will never have tea again and you'll be thirsty forever. And that's literally not true. You can have coffee, you can have water, you can have morning dew, I don't know, you know? And then I say, maybe you'll never find this tea again, this particular tea, you'll never find it again. And you're like, well, I don't want this tea right now, so I'm okay, right? And that's kind of the analogy I can use to describe how people talk to me about relationships and finding a guy. This is what's available, so you might as well just take it. Boys will be boys. Tea will be tea. If you don't have it now, you'll never have it again, and you'll be lonely forever. You'll never find this again. It's all this urgency politics roped into finding a man, finding a relationship, or just being in a marriage or whatever. And just see how that applies to you, because this ritual that I'm offering you up today and I'll talk more about it at the end, is for you to contemplate that what tea is being offered to you as a standard practice that is normal or commonplace or systemic that you simply just don't want anything to do with. What is the tea that is being offered to you? So just think about that as I talk through this episode. Another example that is being offered to me that I want nothing to do with is the specific expectations of being a daughter and what that comes with. There has to be certain actions that I need to take or certain ways that I need to be in order to be a good daughter, or even expectations of me in terms of what it is like to be a spiritual teacher and how I should act and what I should charge and how I should live my life as a spiritual teacher. So that's another T that's being offered to me that I want nothing to do with. So those are just to spark some examples for you as you contemplate this. But anyway, so back to the being single thing. So I did try, by the way, to compromise my standards as people often insinuate that my standards are too high. And they say that after I tell them that all I want is someone who is financially independent and doesn't want or have kids or doesn't have addictions and doesn't have mental issues. And apparently... Just saying this much means that my standards are too high. I didn't even get to the part where I said that I want someone who doesn't have porn addictions, doesn't have any other kind of issues. I didn't even get to that part, which is usually the part where you would say that that's a really high standard. But just wanting someone who is financially independent, that apparently means that my standards are too high. So I believed them, you know? I believed them and I compromised. And surprise, surprise, I was miserable. I even convinced myself that it was me and not the partner that I had. And I think what's more important is that I made my partner miserable because I simply didn't want them. But I was trying to want them because that's what society said that I should want. And so I did the thing that they told me to do and it didn't work for me. Anyway, I just wanted to say that before I moved forward with these eight reflections that I have over the last decade. And all these things that I have contemplated over the last 10 years, they've brought me closer and closer to the heart of my soul and my dignity. And so that's why I wanted to share them with you. So the first reflection is this understanding that I came to that felt really radical when I first came to this understanding, but now it just feels normal. And that understanding is being wrong by my standards is better than being right by someone else's standards. Let me explain. So let's say for argument's sake that other people are right, that all the psychobabble is right, that there is something wrong with me and that's why I can't be in a relationship. I've come to understand that that's fine by me. If I am wrong by their standards. That's fine by me. I've gotten to a point in my life where I really like who I am. And while I'm always happy to adjust, I'm not happy to change my values to accommodate mediocrity. Let me give you a silly example. Let's say that you wanted Indian food and I wanted Italian. It would be my joy to eat Indian food because I know it would make you happy. And I love seeing you happy. And I would have a grand old time talking to you while we eat Indian food. But let's say the ask was to eat at a fast food joint. Then I would say no. I may sit in the car while you grab your burger or whatever fast food you have, but I will not eat the burger with you. That's the difference between I'm happy to adjust, but I'm not happy to change my values. Another example, a closer example to this topic is that I absolutely don't want kids. And let's say a guy does want kids or is unsure about what he wants, then that's still a no from me because I won't compromise by having kids or waiting around for him to make up his mind. Because my values, I value people who are clear in who they are. And I value having this radical kind of life that doesn't involve child-rearing. The life that I want for myself, child-rearing does not come with it. So now if all of that means, if not wanting to eat fast food and not wanting kids means that there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with me because I don't want to reproduce and I don't want to wait for someone to make up their mind, then so be it. I'd rather be wrong by my standards than be right by somebody else's standards. And honestly, at this point in my life, I'm not even sure if it's about right or wrong anymore. I think it's just about being so secure in who I am that I can see what's wrong for me might be right for someone else and vice versa. But it's about being really centered in who I am more than it's about being right or wrong. So that's the first reflection. The second reflection that I have is, about just going against the grain or doing something that's even slightly different than the norm. And this reflection I've learned is that even if the whole world wants to go right, but my soul, my intuition, my heart, my bones, the very fabric of my being wants to go left, then I have to go left. Because going right, just because the whole world is going right, makes me feel like I am slowly disintegrating on the inside. It makes me a bitter and resentful person and also hateful and intolerant of other people. Letting myself be who I am makes me a more loving person to other people, paradoxically. Going my own way makes me more compassionate and loving towards other people and not resentful. I didn't like who I was when I compromised or when I did what everyone else is doing. But I love who I am when I go my own way and when I can appreciate other people going their own way. For example, another thing that I deviate from the norm maybe slightly is that a lot of people are afraid of death. They're afraid of dying or they think it's something to avoid. And they're all like a lot of people right now are obsessed with prolonging life. And I think it's the silliest thing in the world. I have no desire to prolong my life. In fact, I could even say that I'm excited to die. I'm excited to see what's on the other side. So that's another way I deviate from the norm. But specifically with being single, it just doesn't feel like when I see other couples and I see other relationships so far, with some exceptions here and there, I don't feel like going in the direction in which they have gone. It's just not me. The third reflection that I have is about loneliness. Loneliness, I have seen, is that a lot of people think that loneliness is something to avoid, or it means that there's something wrong with you because you are lonely, or there's something wrong with your life because you're lonely. And I think that loneliness is just a fact of life. Or maybe it's more a fact of how the systems have been set up in where people You know, we're losing a lot of community nowadays. It's becoming a little bit hyper individualistic. And so the loneliness has set in more so than maybe in the past. I can't comment on what the past was like. But loneliness is a thing now. It is a thing. But for me, the way I have experienced loneliness is, yes, it's happened in pockets, but it's more sacred solitude than it is loneliness. And it's not something to avoid, but something to embrace. What I tend to not like about loneliness is being lonely while I'm around other people. That kind of loneliness tears me apart on the inside. I've learned that I value my peace more than I value not being lonely. I'm not going to have a partner. I'm not even going to have friends just to ease loneliness. I don't even do that with my friends. So why would I do that with a partner? Even my dog, when I adopted my dog, people kept telling me, hey, adopt a dog, you'll feel less lonely, even though I wasn't lonely. But when I did actually adopt a dog, I didn't adopt a dog to feel less lonely. I adopted my dog because when I saw him, I fell in love. It was like I looked into his eyes and that was it. I never even wanted a dog. In fact, I said, So many times I will never have a dog. But the moment I met him, I loved him. So if you ask me, do I want a dog? I will still say no. But if you ask me if I want my dog, Azhar, I will say yes, with all my heart and all my soul. I love this boy. And so that is the difference, I think, between just accepting loneliness as a fact of life and not making decisions from that place and just accepting that for now, this is how society works and this is how the system is set up and I will try to find community and I have found it, but I'm not going to make decisions from the fear of being lonely. And I feel like that has kept me clean and clear and honest and more true to myself than if I had made decisions from a place of being lonely. So that's the third reflection. The fourth reflection, it's kind of a funny one. It's about men, just men in general. I think for a long time, because I couldn't find the guy that I wanted to find, I thought that I hated men, that I secretly hated them. And that's why I couldn't find one to love and to be in a relationship with. I'm a straight woman. I'm I used to think I'm unfortunately a very heterosexual woman. And I used to think that because I can't find a man, that means I must actually just not like men or I hate them. But what I have found over time, that the truth is that I actually love men. I love them so much. I just don't appreciate boys. In other words, it's the same. It's no different than saying that I love and appreciate women, women, but I don't prefer the company of little girls. I really love adults, people who are well and competent and just in general at peace inside. It's like I love men so much that I want only the best that manhood has to offer. Not that I don't have any tolerance for people's, shall we say, not so good traits, but I like that manhood, that there's a certain quality. I don't even know how to describe it. That's what I want. For example, the way I've seen it is, you know how some men are just calm and sane and like a voice of reason? Not that they're never upset or anything, but Their default setting is this kind of low, steady hum. And just being in their presence, it just puts you at ease. I don't mean that they're detached or emotionally stunted or emotionally unavailable. No, I'm not talking about that kind of calm. That's not calm. That's just checked out. I'm talking about this quality that just makes your nervous system relax when you're around them. It makes you want to sit on their lap and curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Or it makes you want to annoy the bejesus out of them because it's fun. Whatever your preference. I have had both reactions to these men who are just calm and steady. It makes you playful. It makes you at ease. It puts you at ease and it makes you feel playful. And I love men for that. I've even been around certain men in my life that just watching them walk is mesmerizing. I don't know, have you ever noticed that, that real men, they have this certain grace about them? And I never thought in a million years that's how I would describe a man as graceful. But that's what I've noticed about certain men is that they have this grace about them. They walk like a gazelle, like a deer, you know? Or even when you watch their back and their back muscles through their shirt, it's so gorgeous. So I've seen these little pockets. And I know that they exist. I just haven't met them in a way in which they're available for me to date and be in a relationship with. So this idea that I thought that I hated men or I didn't want men, that actually it's the opposite. It's my love for them that keeps me single. I know that sounds weird, but that's the truth. Now, let's say that you're someone who is not single and you can't really see how this applies to you. Think about the thing that makes you deviate from the norm a little bit or going your own way. Have you convinced yourself that just because you want to go your own way and you can't really find that way easily, that means you hate the path you're on? Or you hate the path that you didn't take. So see where you've sort of convinced yourself that that might be true because it actually might be your love that is guiding you more than your hate or actually no hate at all. Okay, the fifth reflection is about regrets. A lot of times people tell me that, you know, you'll regret being single. There's a woman in my family that likes to remind me that when I get older, I'll really regret not having a mate, not having that security. And now I'm almost 36 years old. And when I look back at every single guy that I have dated and let go of, I have zero regrets. In fact, I want to go back and kiss myself for leaving them and for saying no. Do I regret the way I went about ending things or the way I said things? Yes. That I do regret. I wish I had been calmer. I wish I had been more respectful. I wish I had just had a cleaner breakup. But I've never regretted actually leaving or not accepting an offer to date. And the future has actually told me that I was in fact 100% right. So I don't really have regrets. And that thing, that quality of people saying that you will regret it, that just hasn't occurred to me. The sixth reflection that I have is about love. Just love as a topic. And I have realized that how other people define love is not how I define it. And by their definition, how they define love, for me, that love is not enough. Respect is more important to me than love. And that's okay. Because the truth is I can feel love and affection for a flower, even a teacup, you know, even a building. I can fall in love with a table. Love, like right now, I feel so much love for you who is listening. I really do. I know that's cheesy maybe for some people, but I really do feel a lot of love for whoever's listening right now. Love comes... so easy to me. I generate love like, you know, factories generate electricity. So love for me is not enough to sustain a relationship. Not for me anyway. Respect, an attitude of togetherness where a team, like really high quality companionship, genuinely enjoying each other's company, reliability, competency, Congruency is what really, to me, sustains a relationship and makes me fall in love the way other people describe love. Let me just explain what I mean by congruency. I mean, thoughts match actions. Actions match thoughts. You know what I mean? Or words match actions. It's congruent. You're in integrity. And I'm not expecting that, obviously, 100% of the time. But I am expecting that as a default setting because I have it too. I have that congruency, that integrity inside of me where my thoughts match my actions, match my words. And so I'm not really looking for consistency because I don't expect human beings to be consistent like a factory, but I do expect congruency. And that congruency just makes me, it melts me into a puddle. And so that is my reflection on the topic of love. My seventh reflection might be a strange one, but it's about ancestry. As the years have gone by and I learned the stories of my ancestors and the women who came before me all over the world, not just my own blood, but as I learned their stories, it's honestly heartbreaking just how much of their opportunities were limited just because they were women. Even my mother's generation didn't have half the opportunities I do. Even the men in my family, you know, had to work so hard and compromise who they were as people because they didn't have half the opportunities that I do. And I don't know, I look at where these women had to marry or associate themselves with a man in order to have even one-tenth the opportunities I do now. And I sort of knew that, you know, I knew that my whole life intellectually. But as I grew older, I really felt it in my bones. And that sort of eased this desire for a relationship. Because I would feel like I'm spitting on my ancestors' graves and all the women and men that came before me if I were to compromise who I was as a person or become less than as a person. just to be in a relationship. Because I have the choice now not to do that. It's almost as if in my fantasy, I imagine that I'm showing them that this is the type of relationship that even they probably dreamed of. And that when I do find this man, if I do find this man and I have this relationship, I want to show them that this is the relationship they dreamed of. And perhaps they did, perhaps they didn't, but that it was possible and that I have this now. It's almost like wanting to break this ancestral cycle of choosing partners based on need, security, loneliness, opportunities, and instead choosing them based on your highest ideals, your values, and your love. And even if it isn't possible to find this man that I have in my mind so clearly, that's okay. Because in my life and in my world, my survival is not tied to being with a man anyway. And for a lot of people, it can feel like, for a lot of women especially, it can feel still, even now, that their survival is tied to being associated with a man. And I know in certain countries that might still be true. But to act as though it is true for me, even though it isn't, feels to me like I'm dishonoring my ancestors. That might be a stretch for most of you. And I know that sounds weird, but that understanding of what my ancestors had to go through, even my parents, you know, not even like distant ancestors, even my parents, knowing that has eased this desperation for a soulmate or for a man in my life. Which leads me to my eighth reflection, that If you're struggling with this desperation feeling or this loneliness feeling, it actually does get much easier with time. I used to be very desperate for a soulmate, for a man. Also, this topic of a soulmate, I feel like has to be an episode in of itself, and I will do that. But for now, suffice to say, I used to be so desperate. I used to long and pine for relationships. But now I'm so comfortable with it. And I too used to think that this wasn't possible. But I really enjoy taking myself out for dinner, treating myself, traveling alone. And of course a dog does help, I won't lie. But I can honestly say that I'm 100% desperation free. I truly am no longer desperate or longing or even pining. I may be soft and tender, but desperation, zero. Need and longing, zero. And the funny thing is, I do believe in soulmates now more than I ever did before. And yet it's gotten easier with time. I don't know what it is. And I think the time is actually a composite of all the seven reflections I talked about before. All those things helped with easing that hurt of not having a companion. Okay, my friends. So those were my eight reflections. Apply them to your own situation. And this is the practice portion of this episode. So bringing back what we talked about earlier, which is not wanting the tea. This is a ritual of not wanting the tea that's being offered to you. So not wanting the tea. Just imagine... bring yourself back to the contemplation that we had at the beginning of this episode. What is the tea that is being offered to you as a norm or commonplace or culture or tradition, whatever it is? What is the tea that is being offered to you that you simply just don't want? Just picture that in your mind and ask yourself, what would you do if you let yourself not want this tea? even if you just let yourself not want it for two minutes, what would you do? Who would you be if you let yourself not want this tea? Can you do one small action from that list today or even this week? So I'll give you an example. I did not want what was being offered to me, yet I was on dating apps for years. And I just kept scrolling and swiping and just couldn't find the quality of man that I was looking for. And so I realized, if I don't want what's being offered, if I don't want this tea, why am I on these dating apps? And so I stopped. I quit all the dating apps. I'm on no dating apps whatsoever. And the decision was scary to make. But ever since then, I have not thought about dating apps. or even missed them even remotely. And now I see them as the waste of time that they were for me. It might not be true for you, but that was my experience. And in my experience and in my dignity, it was crucial that I deleted all the dating apps. So maybe let's give you another example not related to relationships. Maybe the tea that's being offered to you is that you have to be in some kind of respectable profession to be taken seriously by the world. And respectable profession by society's terms is doctor, lawyer, whatever the respectable profession is. And maybe you're not a doctor or lawyer, or maybe you are a doctor or lawyer, but you don't want that sort of stigma. You don't want that push towards doing it just to be respectable. And instead, maybe there's a part of you that's an artist. Maybe you really want to paint or do pottery. Maybe you don't want to be so intellectually driven. Maybe you want to be more body focused. Maybe you want to learn fire dancing, you know, whatever it is. Maybe you're more of a wild child, you know, whatever. That's just another example, not related to relationships that I can think of. Maybe you have a child who you can see would do better in a non-traditional schooling system. you have seen the education system and you think that this education system is not actually educating them, it's indoctrinating them. And you think, wow, I really don't want the tea of the traditional schooling system. And so maybe you take your child out from the schooling system entirely, maybe you homeschool them, or maybe you leave them in the school system and you say, I'm going to supplement their current education system with taking them to an earth-based camp where they teach them survival skills, or maybe it's a Girl Scout program, whatever it might be. Or maybe you just sort of supplement their education with something that is sort of outside of the tea that the system or society is offering. I hope that gives you enough examples of this ritual, the ritual of not wanting the tea. So, yeah. And I just want to say, you don't actually have to take an action if all you do is just acknowledge. You just acknowledge it to yourself in your quiet space, in your own mind or in your own heart or even in your journal. That alone is enough. That alone is enough because sometimes acknowledgement is the healing. Okay, my friends, until next time. May you love the dignity of going your own way. Bye.