Hello, beautiful people. I've been procrastinating recording this episode because it is about someone who is the closest to my heart and someone who has really um changed my life in so many ways that I could not have anticipated. Someone who changed the rules that I had for myself, someone who changed my desire to just be alone all the time, someone who changed everything for me, and that someone is my dog Czar. There's this cheesy saying that I heard once. It's dog when spelled backwards is God. And as a companion to my dog, I can honestly say this is truer than I ever imagined it to be. I could not have imagined that this is the level of relationship anyone could have with anyone, let alone a human with a dog. You know, I didn't even think I didn't think this type of relationship was possible on the planet, period. I knew it was possible in my fantasies, because especially when I used to watch Disney movies when I was younger. And I loved Disney movies when I was younger. I loved them. And you know, most people would focus on the prince or or something like that, but I was always focused on these princesses, just loving with loving on the animals they were with, and the animals loving on them. And I thought, oh my god, I I wanna grow up and do that, you know. I wanna just I just want to be loved on by these creatures and I want to love on them, and I want to live this magical life with them where we help each other out. And so, and of course I grew up and realized that's not how reality is, but I can honestly say I live that Disney princess life now almost every day with my dog. And God, I really see now why I procrastinated on recording this episode. Uh okay, there is something really special about dogs or just animals in general, they are not plugged into the matrix of human dramas and suffering the way we as humans are entrenched in it. And I think because they are just so out of that cycle, out of that energy, out of that reality, in a way they become our bodhisattvas, you know, and I understand now why so many people name their dogs bodhi after bodhisattvas because they really are these a bodhisattva is a being who achieved enlightenment, but instead of leaving the cycle of suffering and karmic um reincarnation, they choose to reincarnate anyway to help the other humans in be enlightened too. And it really feels like I don't know about all dogs, but I know a czar. It feels like that with a czar. And it's even more um it's even more uh special to me because I never wanted a dog. I loved dogs, I love animals, like I said, but I never wanted to have one in my house where I had to look after them and clean up after them. I thought they were dirty, smelly, slobbery, drooly, and the constant licking, I d I don't like that either. Uh and so I I know, I know for some people listening to this, they're like, how can you not like it when they lick you? And I just don't I don't like it. I also was someone who was a bit of a nomad and I would, you know, change my home base every two or three years. So for me, having a dog, I thought I'd be tied down. Um back then I really liked to travel, or I thought I did anyway, so I thought that a dog would tie me down. I yeah, I had every every single reason that you could possibly imagine for not wanting an animal in the house. I had them all, and there was not one part of me, not even 0.1% of me, that wanted a dog. I I did not want one. So the fact that here we are today, even doing this episode, is just so special, and it really I hope this story shows you just how life can work in your favor in ways that you cannot even imagine, even when you are against the very thing that comes into your life, because the funniest thing is I did end up with a dog, but I got a dog who is actually very clean. I don't know how, but he doesn't smell, he doesn't slobber, he doesn't drool, and he doesn't lick. He very rarely licks, so when he does lick me, it's like, oh wow, I've been blessed by the gods, you know. So it's so hilarious that I got exactly what I wanted, just not in the way in which I thought I would get it, you know? Because who who knows a dog that doesn't lick and is not dirty, right? This this usually comes with the territory, but here we are. So I want to tell you the story uh of how it even came to be, just so you can see all of the different things that had to happen in order for me to even be open to him. So here we go. I think I'll start the story with when I moved into a shared home with four other strangers in Seattle, and about a year in we got a new roommate, and he had an eight-year-old pit bull named Kima. And of course, I was excited, you know, to have a dog in the house, especially a dog that's not mine because I don't have to take care of her. And until that point, I never really even thought I could live with a dog. So there was a part of me that was a little bit annoyed because I thought, oh, you know, she's gonna dirty up the place, she's gonna shed everywhere, it's just too much work, etc. Um, but the fact that, you know, I didn't have to look after her or clean up after her, I was completely fine. I get all the benefits of being with a dog without all of the responsibility. I used to think that, like I said, you know, that they would shed everywhere, that they would ruin my independence, they would make my pristine little life very inconvenient. And yeah, so in comes Kima, and I get to enjoy her, and her her uh companion, her human companion, would leave for work every day, and I worked from home. So I got to hang out with Kima 24-7 almost every single day that she lived in that house. And she taught me and she showed me that you know, everyday life with a dog wasn't so bad. She had this wiggly butt, and she had this tendency to contort her whole body into a tiny ball to fit into my five foot two lap. And she had this way of howling, this owl, like she was she would howl like that almost every morning, and every time, you know, I would tease her or try to play with her, and I would really look forward to that every day. So she was kind of like my dog without being my dog, and all those things that um that would annoy me, like shedding and the smells, and she was very smelly, and she did shed quite a bit, and she would hop on the furniture even though I didn't like that. So she did all of those annoyances that I thought were unbearable. She did them all, and I learned to not find them as annoying. So when I did move out of that shared house and into my into a gorgeous loft that I was renting, and this was during the pandemic, I realized, you know, maybe I can just foster some dogs. And I to this day I can't remember how I made that leap between, you know, between moving out of the house and being in the loft. I don't even know how I found the company that I did to foster dogs from. I don't know how all of that happened. I couldn't tell you. All I know is that I found this company called Dog Gone Seattle. Excellent organization. They rescue dogs and then they put them up with fosters, and then, you know, the people come to adopt those dogs from the foster. And what's really lovely about adopting from a foster is that these animals are not as stressed out as they would be if you get them straight from a kennel. Not that getting them from a kennel is a bad thing, but the fosters have done most of the work for you so that you get a dog that's a little bit more stable, a little bit more trained, and a little bit used to being in the home environment. Now keep in mind I was still very commitment phobic. So fostering puppies was perfect. You love them, you train them, and then you give them away. And to say that fostering puppies was one of the most challenging things I've ever done is an understatement. It triggered every wound I had. My nervousness, my anxiety, my anger, my shame, my low self-esteem, my guilt, all the things I thought I had somehow transcended in myself. If they peed on my rug, I'd be blinded with rage on the inside. If they got sick, I thought I had failed as a human. If they were fearful of something, I thought it was because I didn't make them feel safe. I made all their problems a reflection of myself. And it's a tendency I've had my whole life. And my first foster was named Tandy, and then there was Soul, and then there was um Grace. And these were the three puppies I fostered, and I had a glorious time with them when I wasn't panicking or stressing out. But puppies are hard, they're so difficult. But they would, because they're puppies, I would train them, love them, and within a week or two, they would be adopted because puppies go faster than adult dogs. Then after all three of them had left my home, I was waiting for my fourth foster dog to arrive. He was a puppy being driven to Seattle from California by the foster who had him in California. Except the foster's car kept having issues and breaking down. And me being the impatient person I am, I was getting impatient. I've been waiting for maybe a week, maybe two weeks for this foster dog to arrive, and I had no fosters with me. So I asked my case manager to assign me to another foster who was there, and and she in turn asked me to pick a foster from the dogs that were lined up to come to Seattle. And I kept looking at this um website, and every time I looked online, I would see this beautiful. Actually, let me back up. The first time I looked online to see what fosters were available, it's like I couldn't even see all the other ones. I just went straight to this beautiful caramel, brindled, light, brownish, gold, gentle-eyed soul named Cappuccino. And this was a maybe a seventh or six-month-old puppy when they took the pictures of him, and he just looked like he was an angel. He just looked like an angel to me, and I couldn't. I looked at him, and I just couldn't believe he wasn't picked up by a foster yet, or didn't even immediately get an adoption. And I saw his profile and I just fell in love with the way he looked, with the way he the look in his eyes. That's what it was. It was these yellow eyes, yellow gold eyes, and they were just they just looked like a monk. They look like a saint. That's what they look like. And you know, I I didn't sign up to foster him immediately. And I to this day I I just think how lucky I was that really the world waited for me to find the courage to foster him because I kept going online and I kept seeing, I would go online to the foster page maybe seven, eight times a day, just to check whether Cappuccino was still there. And I would think about how amazing it would be if I could foster him. Keep in mind I'm still not thinking about anything close to adopting. But for some reason it it triggered the part of me that I didn't realize at the time, but was wondering whether I was worthy of fostering this dog. And I don't know why it triggered in me that, because I would look at this dog and see this dog for this incredible being that he was, and I thought I would just mess it up if I fostered him. So better somebody else foster him. And it's funny, you know, because people say don't choose people based on their looks or or don't choose um, you know, love at first sight isn't a thing. Love at first sight, I definitely believe in love at first sight because of a czar. And I did choose him based on his looks, but but only because the looks were so telling of who he was. I wanted a wolf dog, you know. I it I if I ever fantasized about having a dog and I was like, oh, what would be my favorite dog breed? It was a wolf dog, a a half wolf, half dog. And I even, you know, I would visit wolf sanctuaries a lot just to meet these wolf animals. And so I really, if I had to pick any dog based on looks, it would have been a wolf dog. But I picked, but I saw Cappuccino, and Cappuccino looks nothing like a wolf dog. Completely the opposite of a wolf dog. He just looked like a saint to me. And that's why to this day I call him the gentleman monk, you know, because that's exactly the the feeling he gave me when I saw his picture. And you know, I'll I'll put his I'll put a video of his profile and everything else on um in the ritual guide so you can see what I mean. But yeah, so sorry, I keep going back and forth. But back to the story. So looking back now, I was just really afraid. For some reason, it really I I didn't have a oh my god, it's this love at first sight. I love this dog, and he's gonna be with me forever. It was more like, oh my god, this dog is such an incredible being and I don't deserve him. Or I will mess this up, or you know, maybe I'm just being weird or I'm just overthinking it, you know, it's just a dog. And all of that was just fear. Now I can see that in hindsight. And also I thought, you know, maybe I'll just keep wasting well waiting for my foster, the one that was assigned to me. I thought I should be patient and just wait, right? Because being patient is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. And so I thought I was being impatient, and so I should just wait and like wait for my foster. It's funny how our mind rationalizes things just to keep us from our own intuition. You know, and every day, like I said, seven or eight times a day, I would keep checking the website, trying to see if Cappuccino had been picked up to foster. I was waiting for an excuse not to foster him. See, someone else fostered him, so now I have no choice but to wait for my assigned foster. It's funny, sometimes we wait for the world to decide for us so that we can avoid taking responsibility for our feelings and our destiny. And I don't know what came over me, but one day, before I knew it, I had I texted my case manager and I said, Please assign cappuccino to me. Now, here's what happened. That day that I got cappuccino assigned, maybe less than 24 hours later, my case manager texted me and said, Oh, remember that foster that kept getting delayed that you were assigned to before cappuccino? I was like, Yes. She said, Well, they're finally on their way now. And so the dog will be here at the same time cappuccino will be. Will you take both dogs? And I thought, how interesting is that? Once I signed up to take cappuccino and it was already assigned to me, now the dog arrives. Fascinating, right? I said no because I had fostered two puppies before, and it was it was not the best experience. I will never do that again. It was too much for me. And also keep in mind, I live alone and also I have a full-time job. So it was it was just too much for me. So I'd never do it again. So I said no to my previously assigned foster, and I said yes to Cappuccino. And as soon as Cappuccino arrives, I fell in love with him. But again, in a foster-like way. You know, he was everything my intuition had picked up on when I first saw his picture. He truly was a gentleman monk. But again, I was very clear. I was going to enjoy being with him, train him, and then give him away. And he, when he first met me, he wanted nothing to do with me. He's not very human-oriented, he's more other dog-oriented. He likes other dogs more than he likes humans, and he just wanted to get away from me. He wanted to go back to his brothers who were in the van that had dropped him off. He wanted nothing to do with me. And when the time came to write, you know, after a week of being with him and he's getting used to me and I'm getting used to him, when the time came to write his bio for his adoption profile, I just couldn't do it. I wanted to keep him just a little while longer. And so I kept making up excuses for why he needed to be with me a little while longer. But a little while longer came and went. And I asked my case manager to just give me a little bit extra time to decide whether, you know, he's gonna be mine or not. And around this time, I started panic calling everyone I knew because I realized that I just wanted him with me. I wanted him, I wanted to be with him, and um, I would panic, I was panic calling everyone I knew who had a dog and trying to ask them for advice on whether I should have a dog. And as I was talking to them, I'm hearing myself talk to them, and I could hear how I thought I was gonna ruin his life, and therefore I shouldn't have a dog. I was talking about how, you know, I'm I'm not that patient, I'm not that kind, I I can get irritated very easily, blah, blah, blah. And I'm and I was like, you know, am I gonna be a good dog owner? Like, can I do this? That's why that's what I was asking all these people about. And it was so funny. And and because now looking back, I can see how terrified I was of having this beautiful animal by my side. And I remember some of them validated my concerns, you know, saying that, yeah, you know, you're gonna be tied down, blah, blah, blah, you sure you really want this. And some of them were like, no, you'll just figure it out as you go. And one person said, Oh, don't worry, you know, if you decide you don't want him and it's a bad experience, then you can you can just give him back up for adoption or put him in the shelter or something. And I it was funny because I needed someone to say that to me because I realized in that moment that there was no way that I would ever give him up, no matter what. And I it's almost like, you know, they say how every hero needs a villain. Um, I needed someone to say that to me so that I could say to myself, oh wow, no, that's never gonna happen. This is my baby. And and so yeah, I I put in my application for adoption, and it, but you know what, it it was really strange how the same thoughts in my head, when they are repeated to me by someone else, they sound wrong. But before someone else repeated it back to me, I believed them, I thought they were valid. So when someone said, Oh, you know, having a dog is a big responsibility, it's really tough, those were my thoughts that they were saying out loud. But when they said it, it didn't sound true. But when I used to think it in my own head, it sounded very true. But I and I and I saw the silliness of how they sounded when someone else was saying it back to me. And so in February 2022, I made the decision to adopt Cappuccino and I named him Azar. It's a variation of the word Atar, or um I would drag the A out and say Atar, which in Avestan, um which is a Zoroastrian line like a the Zoro the Zoroastrian religion, our books were written in Avestan. And in Avestan it was it meant holy fire, son of God, uh light or the visible presence of the divine, which I thought suited him perfectly because that is who he is to me. And it was yeah, it just after that it's just been him and I. And you know, I don't want to glorify this and say that it's been all sunshine and roses. The first two years were really difficult. I spent more money on his medical bills in one year than I did on my own medical bills since the day I arrived in the United States. So in 15 years that I had been in the United States, I spent more money on his medical bills in one year than I did in 15 years that I had lived in the US. Um, it was just and then of course the next year was the same. And it was it was difficult, but not just because of the bills, but because of how much pain he was in and suffering, because of he just had repeated gut issues. Every month there would be a gut issue. And now it's more like once, once or twice a year he will have a gut issue, which you know what? I will take it. Like he does not have to be perfect, and you know that that idea of wanting perfection, wanting things to be exactly so, that need in me has died down because of Azar. Because I've learned to accept good enough. I've learned to accept good is good, you know. And my favorite thing now to do with Azar after did I just did I say this already? But it it took us two years to just get used to each other, which is so counterintuitive to what you might expect when you have a dog, right? Most dogs, or at least how I imagined having a dog, was that if within a month we'd be best buds, and that wasn't the case. It took us two years to fit into each other's rhythm for him to understand me, for me to understand him. And of course, every day we would get closer and closer, but I think it was after two years that we just bonded completely. So it took about two years for the bond to cement. And because I had to learn so many things about him, you know, not about dogs. I want to make that distinction. I had to learn his language, not what trainers were saying about dogs, not what other people gave me conventional wisdom about dogs, but really just look at him as a being and tune into what he needed and what he wanted and what his personality was. So, for example, people say, take your dog out for walks every day. Well, as it turns out, Azar hates walks. He really does not like it. He does not like the cars around, he does not like people walking behind him, he doesn't like walking on a on a street. Also, the concrete is usually very hot for him to walk on, and even with boots, it's just not his favorite thing. He's just uncomfortable, he's on guard, he's anxious, and I realize that this is a dog that just does not like walks, and instead of forcing him to like walking, I will instead take him on hikes, and it turns out he loves hikes because one of his favorite things to do in the world is climb. He loves climbing. This boy is afraid of a leaf blowing in the wind, but he will climb an almost 70 to 80 degree vertical rock face with ease. I mean, I have I've never seen a dog so confident and so sure of himself than Azar rock climbing. But again, if if there's a wind, if a gust of wind blows by when he's walking on the street or a leaf falls down in front of him, he gets scared. You know, so I learned to deal with these, I learned to understand the complexities of his personality in a way that I really had to trust my own intuition and I had to trust him. And it took me about two years to figure that out. I also, you know, a lot of people I've noticed like teach their dogs how to shake hands and stuff. For some reason, I found that really disrespectful with Azar. I had no desire to teach him how to shake hands or any tricks. I don't know why, but with Azar specifically, it just didn't feel right. So for him, the only thing I trained him really, really well, and I keep reinforcing the training almost every day, is how to sit, how to stay, how to come when I when I tell him to come. And stop or wait or no, I use those words interchangeably, and he can understand the difference now between stop, wait, and no. You know, because they are slightly different and used in different contexts. And so he, I mean, this is these are the only things that I want to teach him because for me, I just feel like he doesn't have to do anything more to fit into my world. Because, you know, I put himself in my I put myself in his shoes all the time and I think about what it must be like to be a dog and live in a human world and how much they have to compromise already, you know. Like he doesn't get a choice on when he goes out to pee or poop, he doesn't get a choice in that, he doesn't get a choice in what types of food he can eat, well, mostly because his gut is so sensitive, and I can't give him the food that he really wants, but you know, he doesn't get much choice, and it's really it gives it brings me so much joy to see how he thrives when I give him as much choice as I possibly can, and I don't over-train him, you know, because for him specifically, that I this does not again, this does not apply to all dogs, but for him specifically, he just needed a few training commands and know them really well because it helps him fit into my lifestyle much more easier than if he did, if he didn't know those commands, especially when we hike. I need to be able to say stop and he should stop. I need to be able to say come here, and he comes to me immediately. In the dog training world, this is known as recall, you know. You you rick you recall your dog and he comes back to you, and so my my dog is excellent with all those things, but that's the only thing that I wanted to really teach him. And I yeah, and just seeing his personality come out is just such a it's just been such a beautiful experience. And the funny thing now is I don't feel restricted at all. Not at all. I used to love traveling, but now I realize I have no desire to travel if Azar can't can't come with me, and that doesn't feel restrictive at all. Uh, I just get maybe a little bit overwhelmed with all the considerations and planning I have to do, especially when a is coming with me but I don't enjoy traveling the way I used to in fact I I prefer just being at home and that's not a bad thing you know and I forgot to mention I put all of the I put all of the products that I had to spend so much money on before I actually found the right products for the dog and what works for a dog. So I put all the products for you in the ritual guide so you can see if you're planning on having a dog or if you just need a good you know first set of products for a dog like leashes and water bowls and things like that and you just don't know where to look or what to consider. I've put them all for you in the ritual guide. But anyway I yeah I just have so much love for Azar and I don't know if I will ever have another dog after him or with him every now and then I fantasize about it but I don't think so it's just the way he came into my life and the way it all happened that the experience of him coming into my life I love just as much as him coming into my life because I don't think I would have ever come to this point if things hadn't happened exactly the way they happened you know everything from chema to fostering to my my rescue my assigned foster not working out all of it together just created this incredible experience where you know Azar and I are just together you know really together and really bonded. And yeah I don't I think for me one of the most fantastic things about having Azar in my life is just how much love and connection I experience every day. And I'm sure people experience that with humans too but it's I don't know it's it's really different with a czar it's not the same kind of connection I get with people and yeah the level of connection the level of companionship and just like this deep sense of assurance because I'm assured by the connection by the constant interaction we both have you know he moves I move I move he moves I look at him I know what he needs he looks at me and he knows what I need him to do it's just this beautiful flowy interconnected relationship that honestly if I'm being honest I thought I would I would have wanted with a man I would have wanted with a human man but the fact that I even have it with a dog is just um you know it's it's it's just beautiful and I really yeah so if you're ever thinking of getting a dog or if you um if you have the same concerns that I did about having a dog and you really just want to see whether you should have a dog I would really recommend fostering first I really would foster before you adopt or just foster multiple dogs before you find the one I would also recommend that you know if you don't want to foster work with shelter dogs take them out for walks play with them that's a way you can dip your toe in or even if that doesn't work offer to take your friend's dog for a walk you know and learn to be with dogs there are just so many ways in which you can dip your toe in especially if you're someone like me who just had a lot of wounds that were getting triggered by an animal it's it's so much better if you just dip your toe in just dip your toe you know you don't have to jump all in and adopt a dog because that's part of the hesitation so much that we all have you know sometimes we we need a runway before takeoff and so give yourself the dignity of a runway. With really everything in life you don't always have to jump in you know you can give yourself some leeway a runway if you want me to do an episode on just how I trained him and what I train him on specifically more specifically than what I talked in this episode then you let me know. Yeah okay all right my lovelies I just thank you so much for listening to our beautiful relationship I hope it inspires you to interact with the natural world just a little bit more than you already have been so until next time my lovelies may the natural world with all its friends animals plants rocks rivers mountains valleys may the entire natural world with all its friends honor and celebrate and expand your dignity and may you honor celebrate and expand their dignity much love to you bye for now