Dilshad 0:03

This is Delicious Dignity, where we cultivate a self so potent, so clear, so vital, so truthful that our life is all the more luscious for it. Let's call ourselves into being, shall we? So, my lovelies, I have a question for you with this episode, and that is have you noticed yourself lately trying to earn or deserve love? And have you been really tired and really exhausted with trying to deserve and earn this love? And what I mean by this is this um activity of trying to earn or deserve love. What I mean by that is that it doesn't have to be something that's obvious. It's likely something that's very, very subtle. For example, if I finish cleaning today, I get a chocolate cake. Or if I pay the bill for my friends, they will love me back and they will be loyal to me and they will think me a good friend. Or as of lately, in my case, if I come out with an episode every single week, then I will be considered a serious or a good podcaster. So I have to come out with an episode every single week. Now, obviously, on the surface, there's nothing wrong with this as a general way of rewarding yourself as a general way of thinking. But I felt like there was something underneath all of this, and I felt like I was using this reward tactic for everything, almost as if I don't get to have the chocolate cake, which is, for the sake of this episode, a symbol for love, without being a slave to someone or something, even if that someone or something is my own desires. It's like I was always dangling the carrot right in front of my face in order to get me motivated to do something or go somewhere or be someone. And so after a while, I was tired of my own tasks and my own goals, and I was beginning to lose motivation. And when I analyzed that underneath it, the full expression of it, deep inside and deep underneath all of these surface-level behaviors, was this desire to earn love, to deserve love. If I do X, Y, and Z, then I will be lovable. And this carrot dangling in front of my face, I realized was a symbol for the hustle culture. You just keep hustling, keep going, keep doing, keep doing, doing, doing, and then we will get the carrot, or I will get the carrot. And I started doing the opposite, which is I started rewarding myself just for existing. I started giving myself the carrot before I even did the task. And that has helped me chip away at the internal critic. And I have a very loud internal critic, and it's got me more motivated and powered up than what I was doing before. For me personally, at least in the last few weeks, it's felt like I needed to fill up on love and on the transcendent or the spiritual first before I even attempt an action, which is sort of the opposite, especially if you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If, for those of you who don't know, Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist, and he proposed, and rightfully so, he proposed that there are five basic needs that are related to each other in a hierarchy. And those needs begin with right at the bottom of the hierarchy. So if you visualize it as a pyramid, at the bottom of the hierarchy is physiological needs, which is things like, let's say, air, water, food, shelter. Then come safety needs, which is personal security, like no violence, crime, or war, financial security. Then there's love and belonging, family, friendship, community, romance, group membership. Then there is self-esteem or just esteem in general, confidence, reputation, achievement, and then there's self-actualization, which is basically realizing one's full potential. And he says that we start off with the bottom, which is the physiological needs, and then we go up the ladder to satiate or satisfy different needs. Traditionally, the model is understood as without physiological needs being met first, we can't really focus on self-actualization, which I would say is generally true. And obviously, for me, that has been 100% the situation in my life. However, now that my physiological and safety needs have generally been met, for me, I'm on the third rung of the ladder, which is love and belonging. And I need to satiate that first before going into self-actualization, which is the top of the pyramid, which I don't think I was doing enough before. And I think that model of love and belonging has been focused merely on external love and belonging, like a family, friendship, community, romance, etc. But for me, I needed that love and belonging inside of me. Like I needed to feel that on my own. And I wasn't really focusing so much on that. And I was going straight to self-actualization and skipping that step. So I have the physiological needs, I have the safety needs, I have the esteem, and then I have the self, but I didn't have the love and belonging. And I was just trying to get to self-actualization over and over and over again. Now, some people have inverted that model and said that actually we need to start with self-actualization first, and then we go down. Because for some people who are very spiritual and highly sensitive, they need to start with self-actualization, then go to esteem, love, and belonging, etc. I think that's a very privileged way of looking at the hierarchy of needs because the only people who think like that are the people who have basic food, shelter, air, and clean water. Right? You're not going to think of self-actualization on a hungry, on a hungry stomach or not having clean air, not having clean water. But anyway, this is how I interpret Massel's hierarchy of needs for me in my life. You can look at other models for yourself. But anyway, my whole point was that I was skipping that love and belonging step, especially with the love and belonging for me within me. And I was trying to deserve that love through self-actualization. So, does that make sense? I'm trying to go to the top of the pyramid to try to get to the middle of the pyramid. And I'm giving you these different ways of looking at it so that maybe something can trigger in you what you're doing in your life. And so I gave you my own um philosophical way of looking at it, and I also gave you a psychological way of looking at it. And I wanted to also tell you this quote. It's a quote by a French philosopher and Jesuit priest. His name is Pierre Telhard des Chardin, and I probably butchered the name, but that's his name that I can pronounce. And the quote goes like this Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides, and gravity, we shall harness God for the energies of love. And then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire. That's what I have needed. I needed to harness the energy of God or the transcendent for the energy of love. And I wasn't doing that. I realized I needed to do that. Now, to give you more context or the exact situation that made me realize I was doing this, so that you can also see maybe if it fits with your model and you can be more aware of what you're doing in your life, is I actually realized it as I was using the Finch app. I talked a lot about the Finch app and how it's helped me with, quite frankly, my dignity in episode 38, which is what I'm loving right now, real self-care, money, and dignity. And if you want to search for that in the um, in whatever podcast player you're using, just search for Delicious Dignity, what I'm loving right now. And that will probably bring up the episode pretty quick. And that way you don't have to scroll through my entire podcast list to find the episode. So, anyway, that is what I was talking about in that episode, the Finch app, which is basically a it's like a Tamagotchi. For those of you, it's like a virtual pet. And you get to take care of your pet, dress it up in fancy clothes, make it travel the world, buy beautiful furniture for its little birdhouse, and you get to do all of those things if you finish your goals, the goals that you set. For further context, I'm a very conscientious, hardworking hustler. I'm very much about goals. I love my to-do lists. I also love decorating. So this is the perfect app for me. And I love dressing up this animal. I even love dressing up my own dog, and he also loves it because he has a whole wardrobe of pajamas. And so you could say, like, I'm pretty type A in a lot of situations. So this app really helps me finish my tasks and goals. And I suspect that I have severe ADHD, but I have not been officially diagnosed, but I suspect that I do. And this app gives me dopamine, it gives me motivation for doing my tasks, for my goals every day. And don't worry, I'll put the app in the description and I also put my friend code if you want to add me as your bird friend on the app, and we can complete friend tasks together. But anyway, I digress. My whole point is that you see where I'm going with this, right? So this was an app to complete goals. And so I kept putting goals on there, I kept finishing them to deserve a new jacket or a new dress or a new furniture item or a new pet for my pet within the app. And there came a time that started to happen where I just couldn't finish all my goals. And for that reason, I couldn't get my little bird friend to travel or get them new clothing or new furniture. And I started feeling a little bit of shame or anxiety for not being able to complete my goals or tasks. And once shame and anxiety sinks in, man, like it's just so difficult to get out of that spiral. So for a few days, I noticed that I was just doing tasks and goals out of shame or out of this like pushing, hustling energy. And until one day, I said, wait a minute, I don't want to do things this way because now I'm dropping the ball on a lot more things than what I did when I first started dropping the ball just a little bit. Now I'm dropping it a lot. This is not going so well. Suddenly this app is not doing for me what I wanted it to do. And then I thought, why don't I, just for today, write down a goal that says, just for love, just for love, I'm gonna give you all these points so you can send your bird on a vacation or dress it up in something, and it can just go. And you don't have to finish any goals or tasks. You just get like a freebie, basically. So that's what I did. You know, I had to put in about like 10 goals, 10 dummy goals in there that said just for love, just for love, just for love. And I checked off those goals and my bird got to go on an adventure and I just felt happy. And I know that sounds so silly because it's a virtual pet, but it just made me think of how much I had been tasking and goal setting and just doing things. And I really just did not want to be that way. So when this happened, I did this for like two or three days where I just sent my bird on a vacation just for love. I didn't earn the vacation, I didn't earn the furniture or the clothes or anything. I just did it for the love. And then after this little slump, I just came back so strong and so potent and powerful because I gave myself this like little juice and I decided to not make myself have to earn these little things that I wanted, and I just got it for free, if you will, or like just for the love, if you will. And when I started doing that, I started just being able to complete all my goals pretty happily with a lot of fun and a lot of joy. I cleaned my entire apartment happily, freely, with no effort. And I realized it's because I filled up on love. And ever since then, every now and then when I find myself going into that slump, I just reward myself for the love. I get the reward before having to earn it, before having to task, before having to do anything. So that's how I realized I was doing it, and that's how I changed it, and that's how I benefited from it. I want to explain to you why it is we have this need to deserve love, because it might sound really obvious, but it's actually not quite obvious. And I would say, let's start with the number one that I have realized, that I have that I've noticed it in so many high-achieving, high-functioning women, you know, strong independent women kind of mindset, is that we have this internal critic, this really harsh internal critic that may actually be an internal critical mother that has come from an external, highly critical female figure in our life. And that female could have been your own mother, she could have been an aunt or whoever, but she was an authority figure in your life at a young age. So that internal critic, if you listen to its voice, and I'll do an episode sometime on recognizing the internal critic and working with it, because I think that's a hugely powerful exercise. But if you listen to the voice of your internal critic, maybe it sounds like your mother, maybe it sounds like the voice of that authority figure in your life. And so this internal critic, who is the internal critical mother, knows to care for you through criticism, through pushing, through making you work for something, thinking that she's caring for you, but she isn't. And so replacing the internal critical mother with the internal and eternal, internal and eternal loving mother is a way to really replace this constant trying to earn or deserve love with a just a constant sense of I have love or I am love. Because if you are not shown that you are a lovable child or a lovable girl or boy from a very young age, you're going to think that you need to do a laundry list of things in order to deserve simple love in your life. And it comes from critical thinking or, well, not in the traditional sense, but like criticism thinking, let's call it that. It's just criticism that you've internalized in such a deep way that you think that it's normal to have to run this rat race in order to get love at the end of your journey. I've been studying a lot about the mother wound lately, and this is one of the indications of a mother wound, which is someone who is so high achieving and never feeling like they can earn the love that they want at the same time. And more on that in another episode, but I just wanted to bring that up to your awareness that this might be one of the reasons why you feel this compulsion to deserve or earn love. And of course, this also leads to a discussion on patriarchy and capitalism, which suggests that you have to be a worker bee in order to get the money, in order to get the love, as money being a symbol for love. And inherent divinity and inherent goodness is not something that we have. We are born in original sin, not an original blessing, if you will. And of course, none of the things that I'm saying today is a cop-out for just being lazy and lolling around. I'm not talking about that either. I'm not talking about people who just sit there being a parasite or mooching off other people. I'm just talking about just being able to simply be loved for who and what you are. And obviously, this is about balance, right? What's really interesting about the word deserve, I did a little bit of research on this, and it stems from this old French and Latin word deserverie or deservere, something like this, and it means to serve well or serve zealously or burn. And that's what the root of that word means. So who are you serving when you think you need to deserve love? So if you think about who it is that you serve, whether it's a system, whether it's a person, whether it's an organization, in order to deserve that love, then you know who has this sort of power to make or break you. Because if you take away the merit or the service that you're trying to earn from that organization, person, place, or thing, then you're left with nothing. So you know how in meditation they say, who is the person who thinks? So if you're having a thought and you recognize that you have the thought, then who is the person that recognizes that the thought occurred? So if I have a thought that says, I need to do X, Y, or Z, and I sit back and I ask myself, okay, why did I think that? Or I just noticed that I had the thought, I need to do X, Y, or Z. That person, if you want to call it your witness, your eternal witness. Now imagine that person, but applied to this episode. If you are serving someone or something, or trying to deserve or earn someone or something, who is the person that is recognizing that you need to serve someone or something? Who is that person that is not serving, that is not earning, that is just sitting there watching you serve or earn? And do you feel like that person is lovable? If yes, why, if no, why? It's kind of a mind bender, isn't it? But I think it's useful to see it that way. And another way you can see it as is it's not about loving the harvest, but it's also about loving the seed that leads to the harvest. It's not about loving the fruits of our labor, it's just about loving, like a mother loves the child. And we go back to this internal mother theme again. It's unconditional love. Or you can look at it for those of you who don't believe in unconditional love, which I completely understand why you don't believe in it, that's totally fine. Think of it this way: the condition is love. So instead of unconditional love, you can think of the only condition is love, and you just have to cultivate that condition. Is there in your mind a simple pride of existence? You're just proud to just be. Is there such a thing in your mind as pride without accomplishment, a kind of contentment or like a celebration of just being? Just being. In your mind, does pride always have to be tied to action? Does celebration always follow a societal agreed-upon event, like a promotion or a child or something like this? Must the joy of living always be tied to accomplishing? The other thing to note about this compulsion to earn or deserve love, especially if it is truly a compulsion for you, is scarcity. Some part of you believes that you are in scarcity. You either have a scarcity mindset or you feel like there's not enough of something. So moving into a scarcity mindset, from a scarcity mindset into an abundance mindset or an opulence mindset can actually really help with this. Because if you feel like there's a lot to go around and there's a lot inside of you, then you go from feeling like everything is a burden into everything is a blessing. And there's just a general ease that comes about. So notice where in your life you feel like you're in scarcity, and you it will likely be tied to this thing of trying to earn or deserve love. And the last thing that I want to bring to your attention is ancestral or generational trauma. Our ancestors, and for generations, we've had to work really, really hard to earn food, water, air, survival, all those things. And hard work is something that has been prized for thousands of years, right? It's this thing that hard work, if you're hardworking, you're a good person kind of thing. And especially when it comes to women, it's a little bit in a different direction because as a woman, especially as a woman in this day and age, you might feel like you owe it to your ancestors to work hard because they didn't even have the opportunities that you have today. So you might feel like you're not doing enough as a woman. So you want to do more and more and more to almost prove your existence as a woman on this planet. Prove your worth as a woman on this planet. Because so much of society is telling you why you're not worth it just because you're a woman. So these two ancestral inheritances or generational inheritances or patriarchal capitalistic inheritances, these two things, hard work and just being a woman in the world, can also affect this desire that you have or compulsion that you have that you feel like you have to earn or deserve love. And simply rewarding yourself for just existing feels like a feels like a sin of some kind. And so just be aware of that and acknowledge that it's there. That's all you have to do with everything I'm talking about today. There's not a lot to really fix, there's just things to be aware of. So just to repeat it so that you can kind of let it sink in. One installing an internal loving mother, being aware of ancestral generational trauma, just of women and of just doing hard work, being aware of a scarcity mindset and the pride that it comes to just. Exist as opposed to working to live, you just live to work. Or as opposed to live to work, you work to live. And so now we'll just do a little ritual or a little like awareness ritual. And can I just say right on the outset that please don't tell anyone that you're doing what we're about to talk about? Let this just be for yourself. So this is a your ritual, okay? Find a place in your life where you've been trying to earn love, whatever that place is. Just think about a place in your life. Is it at work? Is it at school? Is it at a romantic relationship? Is it at your study group? Wherever it is. Find just one place in your life where you've been trying to earn it and you know that's your underlying agenda or your underlying intention behind what you're doing. Now ask yourself, what is the specific activity that you're doing to earn love in that place? And please get specific. A lot of people want to be vague because they don't want to put energy into this and they don't want to look at it. But just try. Name the specific activity or activities that you're doing to earn the love in this place. And the third question is how can you remove the sting of that just a little bit? So whatever you're doing to earn love, how can you just pull back a little bit? For example, let's say in your friendships you've identified, first of all, you've identified in your friendships that you've been trying to earn or deserve love. And you've identified that one of the activities you do is that you always pick up the bill every time you go out with your friends. And you do this fundamentally because you think it's a way you can be loved, or because you think it'll make your friends love you more. And now you will be loved more because you will be seen as generous. Obviously, this is very different from someone who's just footing the bill because it makes them happy to surprise their friends. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the activity and the intention behind the activity. So let's say that's what you've identified. Maybe next time you go out with your friends, you choose not to pay the bill. Or you say, let's split it. Or you maybe only treat them to a beverage instead of a whole meal. So just pull back a little bit and see how you can support yourself with an internal and eternal loving mother inside of you when you do that activity, because it might trigger something. It might trigger feelings of shame, feelings of guilt, feelings of fear that you're not going to be loved. So pull back a little bit and work with that internal loving mother to say, even if I don't do this activity, I'm still of love and I can still be loved. And see whether that creates space in your heart, in your chest, in your life to show up even more authentically as who you are and what you desire and where you want to put your energies really. Where is the love in your life already and how you would like to put your energies towards that place where your love is, as opposed to trying so hard to earn and deserve it. And that's ultimately what this is all about. This is just another way to get into your dignity. This is another way to get into your authenticity. This is another way to live your life as you, fuller, deeper, wiser, more content, more joyful. Because you know, if you keep trying to earn or deserve love, especially in relationships, you know, human-to-human relationships, it does breed resentment, doesn't it? You'll start to feel that resentment building up. And resentment, I don't know if you've experienced this, but resentment is one of the biggest drains on your energy. So another title of this episode could be out of resentment and into authenticity. For me, for example, with the Finch app, I started to resent having to do my tasks. I started to resent all the activities that were tied to being rewarded. And once I cleared that up, I started wanting to do them naturally. And what is that, if not dignity, right? Okay, my lovelies. And before we end this episode, I just thought of something that I have not mentioned before, which is here's another way you can contact me, including texting me, where I won't see your text, I won't see your number, but I will see your text, and that is in the description of this episode. What you can also do is just send me a voice note on Instagram. You know, if you don't want to type it out or you want your voice to be featured on the podcast so you can feel like the podcast was specifically designed for you, you can ask me a question in a voice note on my Instagram, and I'll feature your voice note in the episode and make an episode just for you. So whatever your questions are or topics you want me to cover, that's another way that you can do it. I think it's I got this idea from another podcast where she told her listeners to send her voice notes and then she features their voice notes in the episode and then she answers their questions in the episode. I thought it was just beautiful because you get to hear somebody else's voice, your voice, not just mine, and you get to see how I would answer a certain question or address a certain topic. And it's just a special way. Who wouldn't want an episode built just for them? But anyway, that's another way in which you can ask your questions or submit topics that you'd like to be covered on this podcast. Okay, my lovelies, may you realize that your dignity has no price and no finish line. And may you rest in a love that simply is the way a seed rests in soil. Until next time, much love to you. Bye.